Back for another week! Did you miss me? Of course you did.

Taurus

April 20-May 20

Chris Brown is a Taurus. You win.

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Smash.

Cancer

June 21-July 22

You’re still a crab.

Leo

July 23-August 22

Solve this riddle to get your horoscope: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Virgo

August 23-September 22

Karma's a bitch, I should've known better. If I had a wish, I would've never effed around.

Libra

September 23-October 22

Time out!

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

They never had a pretty girl from Scorpio. See me now and that’s what they prefer 💅

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

You’re beautiful.

Capricorn

December 22-January 19

The stars are telling you to go learn German.

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

your mom

Pisces

February 19-March 20

Sensitive Pisces, this week you’re like an emotional sponge in a sea of drama. Time to wring yourself out. Watch a comedy, tickle a friend, laugh until you forget why you were sad.

Aries

March 21-April 19

Quavo is an Aries. You lose. You’re sooo last season.